If you’ve been anywhere near the internet lately you are well aware that the United States is facing off against Germany tomorrow morning in the game that will likely seal our fate in the future of the World Cup. Sure, maybe you’re not the biggest soccer fan per se and you can’t really explain what “offside” means but hell, you’ve got red, white, and blue face paint plastered on and enough jingoism to make the founding fathers weep with nationalist pride.
However, having a plan for tomorrow’s game doesn’t mean you shouldn’t prepare. Here are your dos and don’ts for tomorrow’s big day.
Do drink domestically.
Come on, this is a no-brainer. Leave your Guinness, tequila, Russian vodka, Dos Equis, scotch, and imported wine behind the bar where it belongs. Game day is the day for bourbon, American gin, and (duh) domestic beer.
Don’t even think about busting out that French-ass champagne.
If you want to celebrate with some bubbly, you better grab that American sparkling wine. And that orange juice BETTER BE FROM FLORIDA OK.
Do break out the patriotics.
America is the greatest country in the world, obviously, and you might as well dress up like everyone forgot what our national colors are. Soccer game days are for face paint, the colors of the USA, and spontaneous renditions of “God Bless America.”
Don’t be an ass.
The American flag is a symbol of us, the greatest people on Earth, and how much we love our home sweet home. If you drink profusely on game day, don’t drag the flag on the ground, get it dirty, or flagrantly discard it as you would those dumb comments about America not winning the Cup this year. You disrespect the flag, you disrespect America.
Do eat breakfast like an American.
What are you, a rookie? If you’re getting out there to party your patriotic pants off, you better be stuffing your face the American way. That means pancakes (NO FRENCH TOAST), toast (NO ENGLISH MUFFINS COME ON), and some goddamn apples and citrus (you KNOW those bananas probably came from Brazil).
Don’t forget to hydrate.
Even experts in badassery need water.
Do drink responsibly.
If you drink on game day, don’t try to drive. You’re American, you know better than that.
Don’t forget: America is the greatest, no matter what.
The greatest. ‘MERICA.